Being a spectator when the world is passing by…

Have you ever felt like you are just a spectator when life is passing by? Like how they show in movies; everything is moving in fast forward and you are standing still just looking on unable to do anything or just watching without doing anything; some days that’s how I feel. I feel like I am not in control and just things are whizzing past me and I’m watching it all without being able to do anything.

Today was a difficult day, to be fair things have not been so great for the past few days. When you see that everything you worked for is not working out and things are all going out of control and all you can do is just stand there helpless, it feels shitty. Feeling helpless goes hand in hand with feeling out of control. But what is even more destructive is hopelessness.

The thing about hope is that it is a fickle slippery thing. When you are at your lowest it seems to desert you. I feel the dark cloud of negativeness hanging around and hope seemed to have deserted me. Even losing hope for a second can bring forth so much negativity that it’s akin to drowning. Some days I feel like I am adrift in a sea where there is nothing for miles and no way to escape. The drowning feeling comes next and no matter what I do I feel stuck and I can’t seem to come up for air.

I try to get myself out of it. Even when I feel like hope seems to have deserted me and when things are worse, I try to find some positivity somewhere so that I can breathe easy. But the fact is that the days when things are bad my minds keeps me captive in so much negativity that I drown and drown and drown and seems to be sinking.

Today has been one of those days. I seem to be drowning and I can’t come up for air no matter what. I know life is full of ups and downs and I have to learn to face the downs with the same attitude as I face the ups. But some days logic and pragmatism flees and all you are left with is the quiet desperation, the suffocated feeling and incessant need to escape.

I know that this too shall pass…!! That the better times is just around the corner and I need to weather the storm and at the end there will be sunshine, but right now I can’t and I guess that’s okay. Today I am going to let my mind win and I am going to wallow in what I’m feeling. But tomorrow I will bounce back and I will find that ray of hope and hold onto it and work towards what I want…!!!

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This year is ending and what I have learnt so far…

It’s almost the end of November and this year will be over soon. Time seems to be flying. When I look back at this year I get mixed feelings.

This year has been in many ways trying. I found myself at that juncture where nothing seemed to make sense. I went through a lot of struggle mentally, to make peace with a lot of things happening in my life and it’s an on-going battle. There was this time when I was so discontent that I had this feeling of crawling out of my own skin. Then I slowly learnt to make peace with my circumstances. It’s definitely not an easy feat. I had to learn how to find the positives amidst everything that was going wrong and to hope when it was impossible to. This year in a way taught me that even when things are bleak I should never lose that small ray of hope and should hold onto it.

I made new friends and reconnected with estranged ones. Making new friends is indeed an amazing experience especially when they are the sort who fills you with positivity. I laughed a lot, I tried out new things and generally enjoyed the moments. Reconnecting with estranged friends is both bittersweet and joyful. At first there is this reflection as to what went wrong and how things turned so bad that it led to the friendship falling apart. Then there is the acknowledgement that both of us were wrong and forgiving each other and starting new. I think as we grow older our changed perspectives makes us more matured and helps us understand the other side better. It was amazing to reconnect and rebuild and it feels great.

I am thankful in so many ways for this year because even though the difficult times outweigh the good and happier times, I have a new appreciation for life. There are so many possibilities in front of me and so many things I want to accomplish that I am seeing ways to do all that. I am more courageous, open minded, brave, hopeful and patient than last year. I have learnt to accept that difficulties are part of life and that at the end of the storm there will be sunshine. I have grown closer to people who matter and know who values me. This year has brought about so many changes in me and I am happy and thankful.

I am looking forward to the newer experiences coming my way this year and exciting things in store for me next year. The biggest lesson I learnt is that nothing will work according to plans and sometimes its easier to just take one day at a time. So here’s to taking one day at a time and living life to the max…

An accident and how everything fell into perspective…

Tuesday started off with a lot of dread and anxiety as I was facing a day that could potentially change things for me. It could go well or it could go not so well. I spent the hours in abject horror of the possibility of things not going my way and finally that’s exactly what happened (I’m not going too much into the ‘thing’ I was dreading about..!!).

I was sad, disappointed and angry with myself. There was nothing that could change the situation and I knew that. But I just couldn’t seem to shake it off and move on. That’s when my family decided to take me out to spend the day with me to make me feel better.

We were on our way to catch a movie and that’s when our car rammed into the vehicle that was right in front of us (the accident was really not our mistake, something went wrong with the vehicle in front of us). I could see my car ramming into the vehicle and during the entire incident all my mind was screaming was I was going to die. Luckily the car stopped; me and my family escaped with minor injuries.

It’s like those accident scenes in the movies where everything goes in slow motion while all of it happens in seconds; the same happened with me too. I could see everything and I can still remember my mind screaming that I was about to die.

When I got out of my car I really couldn’t believe that I was alive. All I could feel was the abject relief that I got my life back. When you feel like you are about to die and when you get your life back everything just falls in perspective. Every issue, every problem, everything that plagues us, no matter how big or small seems inconsequential. We realize the truth that being alive trumps every other problem or issue we have.

When in those seconds where I thought I was about to die, the other thought that went through my mind was that I haven’t really lived. There were lot of things in my bucket list that I still wanted to fulfill, so many people I love to whom I never got to say good bye, so much still left to do in life; and in that second when I thought that I will never get to live, I felt heart broken…!! My mind warred between heart break and the fear of death.

This incident put everything into perspective. When I was sad and disappointed about the ‘thing’ that will change in future and that I could change, life made me see that not being able to live would have been the bigger tragedy. People say that life is short and we never know if we can take the next breath. This accident indeed opened my eyes to that cold hard truth.

That day I decided that I will not fret and worry about things I can control and there is a solution for everything. I have decided to just face whatever happens and not be too bothered about anything. And I have also decided to start on that bucket list of mine so that I can slowly tick them off. I have also decided that I’m will be thankful for every breath in this beautiful world…!!

 

Failure and how it changed me…

When I hear the word ‘failure’ what comes to mind is the ever famous saying “Failure is the stepping stone to success”. I have a really deep and personal relationship with failure. It’s a little hard to fathom as to how anyone could ever have a relationship with failure. This was not by choice but rather something borne out of circumstances.

I am a student. I am moving onto my late twenties but I’m still studying. The path or the profession I have chosen is such that it takes a while to clear the exams as they are really difficult. When I first decided to get into the professional course, I was made aware of the nature and the insane amount of hard work that goes along with it. At the time I felt like I could do whatever it took. I was also made aware of the possibility of failure, of not clearing exams. But back then I was confident that it would never come to that.

Then came the day I made acquaintance with my friendly foe – (as I would like to refer to it ) ‘failure’. Let me tell you, it was not easy…!! Having been an academically good student through out my life, till that point, and scoring really well in exams, I was not aversed with this possibility. The thought that I might fail was so foreign that it never entered my mind.

At first I cried…! I cried and cried and cried…!!  I felt dejected. I lost all hope and fell into the murky depths of despair. Disappointment and despair became my middle name and I was losing myself to it. I had to push and push myself to feel like my old self. I found hope and the courage to try again and gave it my best. Then it happened again..! I failed yet again…!

The thing about failure is, no one tells you how alone you are in it..! Failure leaves you gut-wrenchingly alone. You are so alone that you feel like you are drowning and cannot come up for air. It breaks your soul and breaks your spirit. But what it also does is it makes it a little easier next time. Yes it gets a little easier next time…!! It gives you courage and  faith that you can do it. It also makes you want to try again. Pulling yourself through and piecing together all the broken bits is a painful process. But you find the zeal for it.

I am not saying that failure is easy to face, it is still heart breaking. But somewhere along the way it teaches you that no matter how many times you fall down you have to get up and fight. It also makes you start believing in yourself. When the whole world is laughing at your pitfall failure makes us realize that we have to be our own cheerleaders and get back on our feet. It gives us the strength to face any thing that comes our way and also teaches us not to repeat the mistakes. But most important of all it makes us realize that there is so much more to life than just failure and makes us appreciate what life really is about..!!

So today when my friendly foe visits me, I do become sad, but I take deep breathe and just go on with my life with the faith that next time I will succeed and no matter what I will never stop trying…!!

Friendships, me and how it evolved…

 

What I have noticed about friendships is that they change as we grow older just the way we do. There is a drastic difference in how I maintain my friendships now as compared to when I was younger.

When I used to be in my teens, I used to the kind of person who would want to talk to my friends every single day and update them about every little detail of my life. If I couldn’t speak to them for a day I used to be disturbed. The cause of this deep intensity or need could be that friends were all I had while growing up. Being an only child friends filled the absence of siblings. Another reason was the irrational fear that they might find someone better and stop being my friend. This fear and the need waged a war that made me uncompromising and insecure.

When I grew older I noticed that this need slowly dissipated. I think the change in me came with the growing need for my own space. The thing is I never acknowledged the need for space in friendships. Every person is entitled to it, be it any relationship! I was oblivious to it’s necessity. I sometimes failed to acknowledge that my friends are free to form other friendships and it’s not a betrayal of my bond with them. The thought or concept, of my friends having other friends who could be as close as I were to them, was so alien that I used to detest it.

I slowly stopped informing them every single detail. This was almost a conscious decision and something that felt right. I also stopped being insecure if they failed to tell me something. I learnt to accept that my friends will have other friends but that has no bearing on my relation with them. I also learnt to listen more and to be more open and to respect their choices. I slowly gave my friends the space they need and took mine.

I think this process was a necessary part of growing up. As a result something that used to take a lot of effort became almost effortless. I used to wonder where I was going wrong without really finding any solution. But when I finally opened my eyes to what was right in front of me everything became easier.

Today, just the way I have changed, my friendships too have. I am more secure and more respectful. I listen more and make sure that my insecurities will not affect my relationships. I understood that, it doesn’t matter how often I talk to them, meet them or how much I know about them; all that matters is how close to my heart they are…!!

Do we really know what we want out of our life?!!

 

When I was in my teens, if someone asked me what I wanted out of my life I would always have an answer. I was confident and sure of myself and sure of the choices that I wanted to make. My teenage sensibilities equated having a well earning job, money, relationship and security to what I wanted out of life.

I had a plan. Finish my education, get a job, start earning well and maybe meet someone, fall in love and then get married and then manage both my career and married life. But as I grew older I realized that life rarely moves according to our plan. I slowly started thinking about the choices I made at eighteen. I started evaluating whether it was the right one. And let me tell you it was not easy..!! Looking back at your decisions and evaluating them to see whether you went wrong is an excruciating exercise. The regrets, disappointments and the what if’s creep in and make it really hard. But doing that became extremely necessary.

I started to wonder whether I went wrong in my teens when I discovered that there are other things I’m equally passionate about, things that I could be good in. Dabbling in things that used to be mere hobby made me realize that maybe I could have made a career out of it. The second guessing and regret creeped in and made me frustrated and led the path down the rabbit hole of self-evaluation.

What also contributed to this was the fact that my life seemed to be in a stand still and stuck at one point without any flow. There is only one way forward and at that point the way seemed to be filled with boulders. I was getting frustrated at the complete lack of momentum. I was frustrated, worried, sad and tensed about the plans that I had made and which seemed to falling apart and the life that I wanted for myself slowly fading away right before my eyes.

It took me a lot of soul searching to reach that point where I made peace with my choices. When you are a teenager there is an almost child like confidence that you can conquer the world and that nothing is impossible. But when you grow older somewhere along the way you lose that feeling . It might be cause the world as an adult is complicated and harder to navigate. There is more uncertainty and unpredictability too. I had to reach back to my teenage self to borrow a little of that confidence and that feeling. I slowly accepted that life will rarely move along our plans. It was a struggle to accept that initially, but slowly I learnt to. Once I could do that, I could make peace with my choices.

Today when someone asks me what do I want out of my life I would say I am not sure. It is for sure not having money or a well earning job or marriage or relationship. But what exactly is it, I have no idea!! I might seem directionless or maybe even irresponsible but I am not worried about that. I am just going to take a deep breath, smile and let life take me where it wants to, who knows maybe along the way I will find the answer..!!!

 

 

 

Changes or rather our changing self..

Change is a constant part of our life. There is something extremely vexing and at the same time beautiful about it. I think we all change a little bit everyday. It might not be visible or noticeable at first but that change is happening in us. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Today there is a lot about me that is different and yet so many things that have remained the same. What I realized overtime is that there is nothing we can do to stop ourselves from changing.

I used to hate ‘change’….!! Hate is not a strong enough word to describe my feelings about any sort of ‘change’. There was something in me that used to see ‘change’ as the harbinger of doom and the worst thing in life. Whenever I used to see my friends or family changing or evolving, I used to approach it with a lot of scorn, mistrust, fear and rejection. I used to fight a lot against it, used to be insecure and accuse them of doing something horrible and unforgivable. I used to tell my friends with a lot of confidence that I will be the same person even if they meet me after 10 or 15 years. But slowly I realized that I was changing and evolving. The change that had happened in me, slowly became obvious and made me think. My own evolving self made me realize that I was being a hypocrite for wanting my friends to remain the same while I myself was changing. Over the past few years I had the realization of the hard truth that no one is immune to changes.

Today I have reached this point where I have accepted change as a necessary evil. I call it evil cause the mistrust and insecurity is still present and it still vexes me. But I have also learnt to see the beauty of it. I like that I have changed and become a better version of myself. I am not claiming that I am perfect. Merely that whatever has changed it’s for the good. So today when someone says that I have changed. I accept it wholeheartedly and completely cause it’s the truth. I have also learnt to embrace the changes in others cause it’s beautiful. There is something beautiful and exciting in discovering something new about people we know. Life is driven by changes and I believe that’s one of the things that makes life so fascinating..!!

True life is lived when tiny changes occur – Leo Tolstoy