Expectations and me…

 

Some one rightly said that expectations reduce joy. But can we do something selflessly without really expecting anything?!

I like to help people. If it’s something within my capacity I would help them. I make an effort and sometimes I even go out of my way to do things for my friends. I tell myself that I am not expecting anything  and that I do this out of the goodness of my heart. But the truth is I am lying…!!

It’s really hard to do something without really expecting anything. Even if we make ourselves believe that we don’t expect anything, somewhere deep in our mind, in some corner, we expect at least a little acknowledgement and maybe a little gratitude and when that does not happen we are disappointed.

I set myself up for disappointment every time I go out of my way for others. I expect a lot and is left utterly disappointed and hurt when they fail to acknowledge it or my effort. I thought about this need or this desire and I realized that this stems from the need to be important. It feels good to know that I am important or appreciated and this need for importance and appreciation is in turn tied to expectation. I think human beings as a whole have this incessant need to be appreciated. It’s somehow tied to making us feel good about ourselves. There is an almost high in knowing that we are appreciated or that we are important. When faced with the situation where our importance is undermined we are angry, disappointed and hurt.

I realized that it’s hard to make myself immune to expectations and to selflessly help others. I am merely a person with flaws and it’s almost impossible for me to change one day. But I can definitely try. Today I make a conscious effort to leave my expectations somewhere in the dark inaccessible recess of my mind when I do something for someone. I am not saying that it’s easy but I am slowly getting better at not expecting anything…!!

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Changes or rather our changing self..

Change is a constant part of our life. There is something extremely vexing and at the same time beautiful about it. I think we all change a little bit everyday. It might not be visible or noticeable at first but that change is happening in us. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Today there is a lot about me that is different and yet so many things that have remained the same. What I realized overtime is that there is nothing we can do to stop ourselves from changing.

I used to hate ‘change’….!! Hate is not a strong enough word to describe my feelings about any sort of ‘change’. There was something in me that used to see ‘change’ as the harbinger of doom and the worst thing in life. Whenever I used to see my friends or family changing or evolving, I used to approach it with a lot of scorn, mistrust, fear and rejection. I used to fight a lot against it, used to be insecure and accuse them of doing something horrible and unforgivable. I used to tell my friends with a lot of confidence that I will be the same person even if they meet me after 10 or 15 years. But slowly I realized that I was changing and evolving. The change that had happened in me, slowly became obvious and made me think. My own evolving self made me realize that I was being a hypocrite for wanting my friends to remain the same while I myself was changing. Over the past few years I had the realization of the hard truth that no one is immune to changes.

Today I have reached this point where I have accepted change as a necessary evil. I call it evil cause the mistrust and insecurity is still present and it still vexes me. But I have also learnt to see the beauty of it. I like that I have changed and become a better version of myself. I am not claiming that I am perfect. Merely that whatever has changed it’s for the good. So today when someone says that I have changed. I accept it wholeheartedly and completely cause it’s the truth. I have also learnt to embrace the changes in others cause it’s beautiful. There is something beautiful and exciting in discovering something new about people we know. Life is driven by changes and I believe that’s one of the things that makes life so fascinating..!!

True life is lived when tiny changes occur – Leo Tolstoy