An accident and how everything fell into perspective…

Tuesday started off with a lot of dread and anxiety as I was facing a day that could potentially change things for me. It could go well or it could go not so well. I spent the hours in abject horror of the possibility of things not going my way and finally that’s exactly what happened (I’m not going too much into the ‘thing’ I was dreading about..!!).

I was sad, disappointed and angry with myself. There was nothing that could change the situation and I knew that. But I just couldn’t seem to shake it off and move on. That’s when my family decided to take me out to spend the day with me to make me feel better.

We were on our way to catch a movie and that’s when our car rammed into the vehicle that was right in front of us (the accident was really not our mistake, something went wrong with the vehicle in front of us). I could see my car ramming into the vehicle and during the entire incident all my mind was screaming was I was going to die. Luckily the car stopped; me and my family escaped with minor injuries.

It’s like those accident scenes in the movies where everything goes in slow motion while all of it happens in seconds; the same happened with me too. I could see everything and I can still remember my mind screaming that I was about to die.

When I got out of my car I really couldn’t believe that I was alive. All I could feel was the abject relief that I got my life back. When you feel like you are about to die and when you get your life back everything just falls in perspective. Every issue, every problem, everything that plagues us, no matter how big or small seems inconsequential. We realize the truth that being alive trumps every other problem or issue we have.

When in those seconds where I thought I was about to die, the other thought that went through my mind was that I haven’t really lived. There were lot of things in my bucket list that I still wanted to fulfill, so many people I love to whom I never got to say good bye, so much still left to do in life; and in that second when I thought that I will never get to live, I felt heart broken…!! My mind warred between heart break and the fear of death.

This incident put everything into perspective. When I was sad and disappointed about the ‘thing’ that will change in future and that I could change, life made me see that not being able to live would have been the bigger tragedy. People say that life is short and we never know if we can take the next breath. This accident indeed opened my eyes to that cold hard truth.

That day I decided that I will not fret and worry about things I can control and there is a solution for everything. I have decided to just face whatever happens and not be too bothered about anything. And I have also decided to start on that bucket list of mine so that I can slowly tick them off. I have also decided that I’m will be thankful for every breath in this beautiful world…!!

 

Expectations and me…

 

Some one rightly said that expectations reduce joy. But can we do something selflessly without really expecting anything?!

I like to help people. If it’s something within my capacity I would help them. I make an effort and sometimes I even go out of my way to do things for my friends. I tell myself that I am not expecting anything ¬†and that I do this out of the goodness of my heart. But the truth is I am lying…!!

It’s really hard to do something without really expecting anything. Even if we make ourselves believe that we don’t expect anything, somewhere deep in our mind, in some corner, we expect at least a little acknowledgement and maybe a little gratitude and when that does not happen we are disappointed.

I set myself up for disappointment every time I go out of my way for others. I expect a lot and is left utterly disappointed and hurt when they fail to acknowledge it or my effort. I thought about this need or this desire and I realized that this stems from the need to be important. It feels good to know that I am important or appreciated and this need for importance and appreciation is in turn tied to expectation. I think human beings as a whole have this incessant need to be appreciated. It’s somehow tied to making us feel good about ourselves. There is an almost high in knowing that we are appreciated or that we are important. When faced with the situation where our importance is undermined we are angry, disappointed and hurt.

I realized that it’s hard to make myself immune to expectations and to selflessly help others. I am merely a person with flaws and it’s almost impossible for me to change one day. But I can definitely try. Today I make a conscious effort to leave my expectations somewhere in the dark inaccessible recess of my mind when I do something for someone. I am not saying that it’s easy but I am slowly getting better at not expecting anything…!!