When I was in my teens, if someone asked me what I wanted out of my life I would always have an answer. I was confident and sure of myself and sure of the choices that I wanted to make. My teenage sensibilities equated having a well earning job, money, relationship and security to what I wanted out of life.
I had a plan. Finish my education, get a job, start earning well and maybe meet someone, fall in love and then get married and then manage both my career and married life. But as I grew older I realized that life rarely moves according to our plan. I slowly started thinking about the choices I made at eighteen. I started evaluating whether it was the right one. And let me tell you it was not easy..!! Looking back at your decisions and evaluating them to see whether you went wrong is an excruciating exercise. The regrets, disappointments and the what if’s creep in and make it really hard. But doing that became extremely necessary.
I started to wonder whether I went wrong in my teens when I discovered that there are other things I’m equally passionate about, things that I could be good in. Dabbling in things that used to be mere hobby made me realize that maybe I could have made a career out of it. The second guessing and regret creeped in and made me frustrated and led the path down the rabbit hole of self-evaluation.
What also contributed to this was the fact that my life seemed to be in a stand still and stuck at one point without any flow. There is only one way forward and at that point the way seemed to be filled with boulders. I was getting frustrated at the complete lack of momentum. I was frustrated, worried, sad and tensed about the plans that I had made and which seemed to falling apart and the life that I wanted for myself slowly fading away right before my eyes.
It took me a lot of soul searching to reach that point where I made peace with my choices. When you are a teenager there is an almost child like confidence that you can conquer the world and that nothing is impossible. But when you grow older somewhere along the way you lose that feeling . It might be cause the world as an adult is complicated and harder to navigate. There is more uncertainty and unpredictability too. I had to reach back to my teenage self to borrow a little of that confidence and that feeling. I slowly accepted that life will rarely move along our plans. It was a struggle to accept that initially, but slowly I learnt to. Once I could do that, I could make peace with my choices.
Today when someone asks me what do I want out of my life I would say I am not sure. It is for sure not having money or a well earning job or marriage or relationship. But what exactly is it, I have no idea!! I might seem directionless or maybe even irresponsible but I am not worried about that. I am just going to take a deep breath, smile and let life take me where it wants to, who knows maybe along the way I will find the answer..!!!