Sometimes my friends in an almost accusing tone say that I bottle up my emotions and it’s not healthy. I open up only after they ask me to or at times when I’m forced to. When I thought about why I tend to hold it all in rather than say what’s bothering me, I found that I do this rather unknowingly. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to people. It is mostly cause I am almost at a loss to explain what’s actually going through my mind or even where to start. There is a whirlwind of thoughts that keeps churning and often goes out of hand and leaves me a panicky, melancholy, silent mess and results in me keeping people at a distance and keeping my emotions to myself. This could be avoided if I tell someone what’s going on but I am always at a loss as to where to start.
Being an only child I have felt that I have to rely on myself and maybe not much on others. Growing up without any sibling I have felt this bone-deep need to be independent and self reliant in almost everything that it has trickled down to every aspect of my life. When I used to be in my teens, I used to share a lot about what’s in my mind with my friends. But as I grew older I slowly stopped sharing. Somewhere along the way I started growing weary of people and found that it’s hard to trust them. I realized that people often tend to have drastically different faces which is hard to reconcile. I think to an extend this trust issue has made me a little closed off and hard to understand.
I have often found that when I try to open up to people I feel more confused or more in turmoil. It almost feels as if they give advice than just listen. Sometimes a person needs someone who will say that ‘It will all get better’ rather than advice. Maybe they are meaningless empty words, but the effect it has is quiet comforting.
The other day a really good friend of mine said that sometimes people don’t respond with the customary ‘it’s okay’ cause maybe they feel that they are empty and meaningless and does not really help and also cause more is expected of them. Maybe that could be a reason. But at times when we know the problem and also the solution, all we need is someone saying that it will get better. And as for the confusion as to where to start she said just to start somewhere. When I thought about it, it actually made sense..!!! Just start somewhere and the rest will be easy. The time that I had spent talking to her was the best I had in a while and left me feeling really light-hearted.
I realize that keeping it all in is not healthy. I also realize that it’s better to share as it will make you feel better. So I have made a decision to not let my emotions and worry get the better of me and to share it with someone. To anyone who might be reading this, if you tend to bottle it all up, just share, cause there is nothing that makes you feel better than knowing that people who love you support you. To all those who listen, keep doing what you are doing and tell them that it’s okay and things will surely get better. To all those who advice rather than listen, which I am also guilty of at times, strive to maybe listen more.