Have you ever felt like you are just a spectator when life is passing by? Like how they show in movies; everything is moving in fast forward and you are standing still just looking on unable to do anything or just watching without doing anything; some days that’s how I feel. I feel like I am not in control and just things are whizzing past me and I’m watching it all without being able to do anything.
Today was a difficult day, to be fair things have not been so great for the past few days. When you see that everything you worked for is not working out and things are all going out of control and all you can do is just stand there helpless, it feels shitty. Feeling helpless goes hand in hand with feeling out of control. But what is even more destructive is hopelessness.
The thing about hope is that it is a fickle slippery thing. When you are at your lowest it seems to desert you. I feel the dark cloud of negativeness hanging around and hope seemed to have deserted me. Even losing hope for a second can bring forth so much negativity that it’s akin to drowning. Some days I feel like I am adrift in a sea where there is nothing for miles and no way to escape. The drowning feeling comes next and no matter what I do I feel stuck and I can’t seem to come up for air.
I try to get myself out of it. Even when I feel like hope seems to have deserted me and when things are worse, I try to find some positivity somewhere so that I can breathe easy. But the fact is that the days when things are bad my minds keeps me captive in so much negativity that I drown and drown and drown and seems to be sinking.
Today has been one of those days. I seem to be drowning and I can’t come up for air no matter what. I know life is full of ups and downs and I have to learn to face the downs with the same attitude as I face the ups. But some days logic and pragmatism flees and all you are left with is the quiet desperation, the suffocated feeling and incessant need to escape.
I know that this too shall pass…!! That the better times is just around the corner and I need to weather the storm and at the end there will be sunshine, but right now I can’t and I guess that’s okay. Today I am going to let my mind win and I am going to wallow in what I’m feeling. But tomorrow I will bounce back and I will find that ray of hope and hold onto it and work towards what I want…!!!
It’s almost the end of November and this year will be over soon. Time seems to be flying. When I look back at this year I get mixed feelings.
This year has been in many ways trying. I found myself at that juncture where nothing seemed to make sense. I went through a lot of struggle mentally, to make peace with a lot of things happening in my life and it’s an on-going battle. There was this time when I was so discontent that I had this feeling of crawling out of my own skin. Then I slowly learnt to make peace with my circumstances. It’s definitely not an easy feat. I had to learn how to find the positives amidst everything that was going wrong and to hope when it was impossible to. This year in a way taught me that even when things are bleak I should never lose that small ray of hope and should hold onto it.
I made new friends and reconnected with estranged ones. Making new friends is indeed an amazing experience especially when they are the sort who fills you with positivity. I laughed a lot, I tried out new things and generally enjoyed the moments. Reconnecting with estranged friends is both bittersweet and joyful. At first there is this reflection as to what went wrong and how things turned so bad that it led to the friendship falling apart. Then there is the acknowledgement that both of us were wrong and forgiving each other and starting new. I think as we grow older our changed perspectives makes us more matured and helps us understand the other side better. It was amazing to reconnect and rebuild and it feels great.
I am thankful in so many ways for this year because even though the difficult times outweigh the good and happier times, I have a new appreciation for life. There are so many possibilities in front of me and so many things I want to accomplish that I am seeing ways to do all that. I am more courageous, open minded, brave, hopeful and patient than last year. I have learnt to accept that difficulties are part of life and that at the end of the storm there will be sunshine. I have grown closer to people who matter and know who values me. This year has brought about so many changes in me and I am happy and thankful.
I am looking forward to the newer experiences coming my way this year and exciting things in store for me next year. The biggest lesson I learnt is that nothing will work according to plans and sometimes its easier to just take one day at a time. So here’s to taking one day at a time and living life to the max…
I have not posted in a while…!! I guess one of the reasons could be that I was really busy being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and another reason was that I had moved away for a while and I took a break from my routine life. The wedding was a beautiful affair where so many memories were made. The moving away was also good. New place, new people, new circumstances, new friends; it was definitely amazing and different…!!
I think the reason I stopped writing in between all this was cause the words deserted me..
My mind is a chaotic mess of whirling thoughts and it keeps jumping from one thought to the other. I often find that the thoughts are messy, sometimes dramatic, ridiculous and keeps on swirling and then it just stops. The thoughts just stop and there is no chaos…!! There is no chaos and whirlwinds. When my mind is riddled with the thoughts, I feel an overwhelming need to write it down. But then I lose track of it. Like my thoughts itself lose it’s way and all I’m left with is the unfinished sentences in my head.
I have always wondered the reason for the half finished thoughts. Is this cause it finds something else more fascinating or is it just it’s inability to focus? Writing I felt gives me a semblance of completeness to the chaos and makes me feel a little at peace. But for the past few days I felt like the words just deserted me, like they just stopped and all I could feel was the deep echoing silence which was unnerving yet beautiful and sometimes peaceful.
I have often felt that this writing bout of mine might be a fluke, like I am an imposer pretending to be someone I am not and doing something that I could not. But today when I started writing and felt the words flow I found that the chaotic unfinished thoughts is like the warm cup of coffee on a rainy day. Comforting, familiar and soothing…
I might again have days of silence where the words dessert me and all I am left with is it’s echos, but till then I will write, reflect, introspect and complete those incomplete thoughts….
What I find really fascinating about people is their perspectives, the way different people see the same thing and how this difference is what truly sets people apart.
The other day while I was talking to my friend somehow we ended up talking about cheating in relationships. What was fascinating for me was the way we both defined it. My definition was completely different from my friend’s and it was an eye opener. We justified both our beliefs trying to prove our respective perspective was the right one but in the end we conceded and found the middle ground that we both are right from our point of view.
What I have noticed among people is how they remain rooted in their beliefs borne out of their perspectives and how they fail to acknowledge that another person might be having a different way of looking at it. We are so busy trying to prove our side that we don’t stop and think that they could also be right. I think sometimes I’m also guilty of this.
I argue and protest with the utmost faith in my point of view that I fail to recognize that they are also right from theirs. Something my friend once said has stayed with me. “Everyone has their own right and wrong. What I deem right according to my conscience might not be right according to theirs. They do the things that justify their conscience. We are no one to say that they are wrong and only we are right.”
Isn’t that right and so profound? I thought about it a lot and yes it’s right. I think what sets us all apart from one another is this difference in perspective. I think that’s what is fascinating about us all too.
Today when I don’t agree with someone I don’t blatantly say that they are wrong. I take a minute to try and see it from their perspective. I might not necessarily understand it nor accept it, but I can very well acknowledge and respect their point of view. I think the world will be an easier place if we all made an effort to maybe understand other’s perspective at least a little…!!!
Tuesday started off with a lot of dread and anxiety as I was facing a day that could potentially change things for me. It could go well or it could go not so well. I spent the hours in abject horror of the possibility of things not going my way and finally that’s exactly what happened (I’m not going too much into the ‘thing’ I was dreading about..!!).
I was sad, disappointed and angry with myself. There was nothing that could change the situation and I knew that. But I just couldn’t seem to shake it off and move on. That’s when my family decided to take me out to spend the day with me to make me feel better.
We were on our way to catch a movie and that’s when our car rammed into the vehicle that was right in front of us (the accident was really not our mistake, something went wrong with the vehicle in front of us). I could see my car ramming into the vehicle and during the entire incident all my mind was screaming was I was going to die. Luckily the car stopped; me and my family escaped with minor injuries.
It’s like those accident scenes in the movies where everything goes in slow motion while all of it happens in seconds; the same happened with me too. I could see everything and I can still remember my mind screaming that I was about to die.
When I got out of my car I really couldn’t believe that I was alive. All I could feel was the abject relief that I got my life back. When you feel like you are about to die and when you get your life back everything just falls in perspective. Every issue, every problem, everything that plagues us, no matter how big or small seems inconsequential. We realize the truth that being alive trumps every other problem or issue we have.
When in those seconds where I thought I was about to die, the other thought that went through my mind was that I haven’t really lived. There were lot of things in my bucket list that I still wanted to fulfill, so many people I love to whom I never got to say good bye, so much still left to do in life; and in that second when I thought that I will never get to live, I felt heart broken…!! My mind warred between heart break and the fear of death.
This incident put everything into perspective. When I was sad and disappointed about the ‘thing’ that will change in future and that I could change, life made me see that not being able to live would have been the bigger tragedy. People say that life is short and we never know if we can take the next breath. This accident indeed opened my eyes to that cold hard truth.
That day I decided that I will not fret and worry about things I can control and there is a solution for everything. I have decided to just face whatever happens and not be too bothered about anything. And I have also decided to start on that bucket list of mine so that I can slowly tick them off. I have also decided that I’m will be thankful for every breath in this beautiful world…!!
When I hear the word ‘failure’ what comes to mind is the ever famous saying “Failure is the stepping stone to success”. I have a really deep and personal relationship with failure. It’s a little hard to fathom as to how anyone could ever have a relationship with failure. This was not by choice but rather something borne out of circumstances.
I am a student. I am moving onto my late twenties but I’m still studying. The path or the profession I have chosen is such that it takes a while to clear the exams as they are really difficult. When I first decided to get into the professional course, I was made aware of the nature and the insane amount of hard work that goes along with it. At the time I felt like I could do whatever it took. I was also made aware of the possibility of failure, of not clearing exams. But back then I was confident that it would never come to that.
Then came the day I made acquaintance with my friendly foe – (as I would like to refer to it ) ‘failure’. Let me tell you, it was not easy…!! Having been an academically good student through out my life, till that point, and scoring really well in exams, I was not aversed with this possibility. The thought that I might fail was so foreign that it never entered my mind.
At first I cried…! I cried and cried and cried…!! I felt dejected. I lost all hope and fell into the murky depths of despair. Disappointment and despair became my middle name and I was losing myself to it. I had to push and push myself to feel like my old self. I found hope and the courage to try again and gave it my best. Then it happened again..! I failed yet again…!
The thing about failure is, no one tells you how alone you are in it..! Failure leaves you gut-wrenchingly alone. You are so alone that you feel like you are drowning and cannot come up for air. It breaks your soul and breaks your spirit. But what it also does is it makes it a little easier next time. Yes it gets a little easier next time…!! It gives you courage and faith that you can do it. It also makes you want to try again. Pulling yourself through and piecing together all the broken bits is a painful process. But you find the zeal for it.
I am not saying that failure is easy to face, it is still heart breaking. But somewhere along the way it teaches you that no matter how many times you fall down you have to get up and fight. It also makes you start believing in yourself. When the whole world is laughing at your pitfall failure makes us realize that we have to be our own cheerleaders and get back on our feet. It gives us the strength to face any thing that comes our way and also teaches us not to repeat the mistakes. But most important of all it makes us realize that there is so much more to life than just failure and makes us appreciate what life really is about..!!
So today when my friendly foe visits me, I do become sad, but I take deep breathe and just go on with my life with the faith that next time I will succeed and no matter what I will never stop trying…!!
What I have noticed about friendships is that they change as we grow older just the way we do. There is a drastic difference in how I maintain my friendships now as compared to when I was younger.
When I used to be in my teens, I used to the kind of person who would want to talk to my friends every single day and update them about every little detail of my life. If I couldn’t speak to them for a day I used to be disturbed. The cause of this deep intensity or need could be that friends were all I had while growing up. Being an only child friends filled the absence of siblings. Another reason was the irrational fear that they might find someone better and stop being my friend. This fear and the need waged a war that made me uncompromising and insecure.
When I grew older I noticed that this need slowly dissipated. I think the change in me came with the growing need for my own space. The thing is I never acknowledged the need for space in friendships. Every person is entitled to it, be it any relationship! I was oblivious to it’s necessity. I sometimes failed to acknowledge that my friends are free to form other friendships and it’s not a betrayal of my bond with them. The thought or concept, of my friends having other friends who could be as close as I were to them, was so alien that I used to detest it.
I slowly stopped informing them every single detail. This was almost a conscious decision and something that felt right. I also stopped being insecure if they failed to tell me something. I learnt to accept that my friends will have other friends but that has no bearing on my relation with them. I also learnt to listen more and to be more open and to respect their choices. I slowly gave my friends the space they need and took mine.
I think this process was a necessary part of growing up. As a result something that used to take a lot of effort became almost effortless. I used to wonder where I was going wrong without really finding any solution. But when I finally opened my eyes to what was right in front of me everything became easier.
Today, just the way I have changed, my friendships too have. I am more secure and more respectful. I listen more and make sure that my insecurities will not affect my relationships. I understood that, it doesn’t matter how often I talk to them, meet them or how much I know about them; all that matters is how close to my heart they are…!!