I have not posted in a while…!! I guess one of the reasons could be that I was really busy being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and another reason was that I had moved away for a while and I took a break from my routine life. The wedding was a beautiful affair where so many memories were made. The moving away was also good. New place, new people, new circumstances, new friends; it was definitely amazing and different…!!
I think the reason I stopped writing in between all this was cause the words deserted me..
My mind is a chaotic mess of whirling thoughts and it keeps jumping from one thought to the other. I often find that the thoughts are messy, sometimes dramatic, ridiculous and keeps on swirling and then it just stops. The thoughts just stop and there is no chaos…!! There is no chaos and whirlwinds. When my mind is riddled with the thoughts, I feel an overwhelming need to write it down. But then I lose track of it. Like my thoughts itself lose it’s way and all I’m left with is the unfinished sentences in my head.
I have always wondered the reason for the half finished thoughts. Is this cause it finds something else more fascinating or is it just it’s inability to focus? Writing I felt gives me a semblance of completeness to the chaos and makes me feel a little at peace. But for the past few days I felt like the words just deserted me, like they just stopped and all I could feel was the deep echoing silence which was unnerving yet beautiful and sometimes peaceful.
I have often felt that this writing bout of mine might be a fluke, like I am an imposer pretending to be someone I am not and doing something that I could not. But today when I started writing and felt the words flow I found that the chaotic unfinished thoughts is like the warm cup of coffee on a rainy day. Comforting, familiar and soothing…
I might again have days of silence where the words dessert me and all I am left with is it’s echos, but till then I will write, reflect, introspect and complete those incomplete thoughts….
What I find really fascinating about people is their perspectives, the way different people see the same thing and how this difference is what truly sets people apart.
The other day while I was talking to my friend somehow we ended up talking about cheating in relationships. What was fascinating for me was the way we both defined it. My definition was completely different from my friend’s and it was an eye opener. We justified both our beliefs trying to prove our respective perspective was the right one but in the end we conceded and found the middle ground that we both are right from our point of view.
What I have noticed among people is how they remain rooted in their beliefs borne out of their perspectives and how they fail to acknowledge that another person might be having a different way of looking at it. We are so busy trying to prove our side that we don’t stop and think that they could also be right. I think sometimes I’m also guilty of this.
I argue and protest with the utmost faith in my point of view that I fail to recognize that they are also right from theirs. Something my friend once said has stayed with me. “Everyone has their own right and wrong. What I deem right according to my conscience might not be right according to theirs. They do the things that justify their conscience. We are no one to say that they are wrong and only we are right.”
Isn’t that right and so profound? I thought about it a lot and yes it’s right. I think what sets us all apart from one another is this difference in perspective. I think that’s what is fascinating about us all too.
Today when I don’t agree with someone I don’t blatantly say that they are wrong. I take a minute to try and see it from their perspective. I might not necessarily understand it nor accept it, but I can very well acknowledge and respect their point of view. I think the world will be an easier place if we all made an effort to maybe understand other’s perspective at least a little…!!!
Tuesday started off with a lot of dread and anxiety as I was facing a day that could potentially change things for me. It could go well or it could go not so well. I spent the hours in abject horror of the possibility of things not going my way and finally that’s exactly what happened (I’m not going too much into the ‘thing’ I was dreading about..!!).
I was sad, disappointed and angry with myself. There was nothing that could change the situation and I knew that. But I just couldn’t seem to shake it off and move on. That’s when my family decided to take me out to spend the day with me to make me feel better.
We were on our way to catch a movie and that’s when our car rammed into the vehicle that was right in front of us (the accident was really not our mistake, something went wrong with the vehicle in front of us). I could see my car ramming into the vehicle and during the entire incident all my mind was screaming was I was going to die. Luckily the car stopped; me and my family escaped with minor injuries.
It’s like those accident scenes in the movies where everything goes in slow motion while all of it happens in seconds; the same happened with me too. I could see everything and I can still remember my mind screaming that I was about to die.
When I got out of my car I really couldn’t believe that I was alive. All I could feel was the abject relief that I got my life back. When you feel like you are about to die and when you get your life back everything just falls in perspective. Every issue, every problem, everything that plagues us, no matter how big or small seems inconsequential. We realize the truth that being alive trumps every other problem or issue we have.
When in those seconds where I thought I was about to die, the other thought that went through my mind was that I haven’t really lived. There were lot of things in my bucket list that I still wanted to fulfill, so many people I love to whom I never got to say good bye, so much still left to do in life; and in that second when I thought that I will never get to live, I felt heart broken…!! My mind warred between heart break and the fear of death.
This incident put everything into perspective. When I was sad and disappointed about the ‘thing’ that will change in future and that I could change, life made me see that not being able to live would have been the bigger tragedy. People say that life is short and we never know if we can take the next breath. This accident indeed opened my eyes to that cold hard truth.
That day I decided that I will not fret and worry about things I can control and there is a solution for everything. I have decided to just face whatever happens and not be too bothered about anything. And I have also decided to start on that bucket list of mine so that I can slowly tick them off. I have also decided that I’m will be thankful for every breath in this beautiful world…!!
When I hear the word ‘failure’ what comes to mind is the ever famous saying “Failure is the stepping stone to success”. I have a really deep and personal relationship with failure. It’s a little hard to fathom as to how anyone could ever have a relationship with failure. This was not by choice but rather something borne out of circumstances.
I am a student. I am moving onto my late twenties but I’m still studying. The path or the profession I have chosen is such that it takes a while to clear the exams as they are really difficult. When I first decided to get into the professional course, I was made aware of the nature and the insane amount of hard work that goes along with it. At the time I felt like I could do whatever it took. I was also made aware of the possibility of failure, of not clearing exams. But back then I was confident that it would never come to that.
Then came the day I made acquaintance with my friendly foe – (as I would like to refer to it ) ‘failure’. Let me tell you, it was not easy…!! Having been an academically good student through out my life, till that point, and scoring really well in exams, I was not aversed with this possibility. The thought that I might fail was so foreign that it never entered my mind.
At first I cried…! I cried and cried and cried…!! I felt dejected. I lost all hope and fell into the murky depths of despair. Disappointment and despair became my middle name and I was losing myself to it. I had to push and push myself to feel like my old self. I found hope and the courage to try again and gave it my best. Then it happened again..! I failed yet again…!
The thing about failure is, no one tells you how alone you are in it..! Failure leaves you gut-wrenchingly alone. You are so alone that you feel like you are drowning and cannot come up for air. It breaks your soul and breaks your spirit. But what it also does is it makes it a little easier next time. Yes it gets a little easier next time…!! It gives you courage and faith that you can do it. It also makes you want to try again. Pulling yourself through and piecing together all the broken bits is a painful process. But you find the zeal for it.
I am not saying that failure is easy to face, it is still heart breaking. But somewhere along the way it teaches you that no matter how many times you fall down you have to get up and fight. It also makes you start believing in yourself. When the whole world is laughing at your pitfall failure makes us realize that we have to be our own cheerleaders and get back on our feet. It gives us the strength to face any thing that comes our way and also teaches us not to repeat the mistakes. But most important of all it makes us realize that there is so much more to life than just failure and makes us appreciate what life really is about..!!
So today when my friendly foe visits me, I do become sad, but I take deep breathe and just go on with my life with the faith that next time I will succeed and no matter what I will never stop trying…!!
What I have noticed about friendships is that they change as we grow older just the way we do. There is a drastic difference in how I maintain my friendships now as compared to when I was younger.
When I used to be in my teens, I used to the kind of person who would want to talk to my friends every single day and update them about every little detail of my life. If I couldn’t speak to them for a day I used to be disturbed. The cause of this deep intensity or need could be that friends were all I had while growing up. Being an only child friends filled the absence of siblings. Another reason was the irrational fear that they might find someone better and stop being my friend. This fear and the need waged a war that made me uncompromising and insecure.
When I grew older I noticed that this need slowly dissipated. I think the change in me came with the growing need for my own space. The thing is I never acknowledged the need for space in friendships. Every person is entitled to it, be it any relationship! I was oblivious to it’s necessity. I sometimes failed to acknowledge that my friends are free to form other friendships and it’s not a betrayal of my bond with them. The thought or concept, of my friends having other friends who could be as close as I were to them, was so alien that I used to detest it.
I slowly stopped informing them every single detail. This was almost a conscious decision and something that felt right. I also stopped being insecure if they failed to tell me something. I learnt to accept that my friends will have other friends but that has no bearing on my relation with them. I also learnt to listen more and to be more open and to respect their choices. I slowly gave my friends the space they need and took mine.
I think this process was a necessary part of growing up. As a result something that used to take a lot of effort became almost effortless. I used to wonder where I was going wrong without really finding any solution. But when I finally opened my eyes to what was right in front of me everything became easier.
Today, just the way I have changed, my friendships too have. I am more secure and more respectful. I listen more and make sure that my insecurities will not affect my relationships. I understood that, it doesn’t matter how often I talk to them, meet them or how much I know about them; all that matters is how close to my heart they are…!!
When I was in my teens, if someone asked me what I wanted out of my life I would always have an answer. I was confident and sure of myself and sure of the choices that I wanted to make. My teenage sensibilities equated having a well earning job, money, relationship and security to what I wanted out of life.
I had a plan. Finish my education, get a job, start earning well and maybe meet someone, fall in love and then get married and then manage both my career and married life. But as I grew older I realized that life rarely moves according to our plan. I slowly started thinking about the choices I made at eighteen. I started evaluating whether it was the right one. And let me tell you it was not easy..!! Looking back at your decisions and evaluating them to see whether you went wrong is an excruciating exercise. The regrets, disappointments and the what if’s creep in and make it really hard. But doing that became extremely necessary.
I started to wonder whether I went wrong in my teens when I discovered that there are other things I’m equally passionate about, things that I could be good in. Dabbling in things that used to be mere hobby made me realize that maybe I could have made a career out of it. The second guessing and regret creeped in and made me frustrated and led the path down the rabbit hole of self-evaluation.
What also contributed to this was the fact that my life seemed to be in a stand still and stuck at one point without any flow. There is only one way forward and at that point the way seemed to be filled with boulders. I was getting frustrated at the complete lack of momentum. I was frustrated, worried, sad and tensed about the plans that I had made and which seemed to falling apart and the life that I wanted for myself slowly fading away right before my eyes.
It took me a lot of soul searching to reach that point where I made peace with my choices. When you are a teenager there is an almost child like confidence that you can conquer the world and that nothing is impossible. But when you grow older somewhere along the way you lose that feeling . It might be cause the world as an adult is complicated and harder to navigate. There is more uncertainty and unpredictability too. I had to reach back to my teenage self to borrow a little of that confidence and that feeling. I slowly accepted that life will rarely move along our plans. It was a struggle to accept that initially, but slowly I learnt to. Once I could do that, I could make peace with my choices.
Today when someone asks me what do I want out of my life I would say I am not sure. It is for sure not having money or a well earning job or marriage or relationship. But what exactly is it, I have no idea!! I might seem directionless or maybe even irresponsible but I am not worried about that. I am just going to take a deep breath, smile and let life take me where it wants to, who knows maybe along the way I will find the answer..!!!
Some one rightly said that expectations reduce joy. But can we do something selflessly without really expecting anything?!
I like to help people. If it’s something within my capacity I would help them. I make an effort and sometimes I even go out of my way to do things for my friends. I tell myself that I am not expecting anything and that I do this out of the goodness of my heart. But the truth is I am lying…!!
It’s really hard to do something without really expecting anything. Even if we make ourselves believe that we don’t expect anything, somewhere deep in our mind, in some corner, we expect at least a little acknowledgement and maybe a little gratitude and when that does not happen we are disappointed.
I set myself up for disappointment every time I go out of my way for others. I expect a lot and is left utterly disappointed and hurt when they fail to acknowledge it or my effort. I thought about this need or this desire and I realized that this stems from the need to be important. It feels good to know that I am important or appreciated and this need for importance and appreciation is in turn tied to expectation. I think human beings as a whole have this incessant need to be appreciated. It’s somehow tied to making us feel good about ourselves. There is an almost high in knowing that we are appreciated or that we are important. When faced with the situation where our importance is undermined we are angry, disappointed and hurt.
I realized that it’s hard to make myself immune to expectations and to selflessly help others. I am merely a person with flaws and it’s almost impossible for me to change one day. But I can definitely try. Today I make a conscious effort to leave my expectations somewhere in the dark inaccessible recess of my mind when I do something for someone. I am not saying that it’s easy but I am slowly getting better at not expecting anything…!!